I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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