I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
