I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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