Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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