To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
