dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
