I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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