your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
