wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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