I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
