everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
