Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
