After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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