im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I see more hoeing in ur future
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