you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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