So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
