I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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