you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
