i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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