If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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