wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Randomize
