He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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