I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
