i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
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