I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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