There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
