Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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