it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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