I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
