I love black thongs
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
