Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
