Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I did not marry a roomba.
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