My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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