im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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