i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
