Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
