i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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