I heard we made out
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
