my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You're like the curious george of whores
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
