I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
