Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
