Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
