I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
