If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
