Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
