Swine flu. Run for my life!
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
