I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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