Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
