I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
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