What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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