Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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