Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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