Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
she looked like the before picture.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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