Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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